You’ve plucked up the courage to interact with the French in French, well done! But jeez are they frosty?! It’s proven to you that the English were right all along – the French are so rude!! WRONG! That’s just because you don’t know the codes yet… read on to put an end to many an awkward encounter.
1) ALWAYS say “Bonjour” before asking for help ANYWHERE
This also applies when you board a bus, make a reservation, enter a shop, approach a ticket kiosk… Otherwise risk the following:
Make sure to wait for the other person to reply with their “Bonjour” before you continue with your question or request.
This value is so important to the French, that you can find instructions in public spaces to remind you of them. I snapped a picture of this poster on a tram in Bordeaux this January, which reminds riders to say hello and thank you to the driver!
2) Use vous or “vouvoyer” in all cases except for people your own age in an informal setting
This is a sign of respect and is very important. You may occasionally slip into “tu” by accident; make sure to self-correct immediately. Wait for the French person to suggest you “tutoyer”. They may never do so.
And if you apologise for slipping into “tu” and they respond “c’est pas grave”. Oh. C’est grave. Go straight back to “vous”.
3) Don’t hug the French. Do do la bise
This one is particularly difficult for Americans. The French DO NOT hug. The standard greeting and goodbye is a kiss on each cheek (la bise).
This should be a light brush against each cheek where you don’t actually plant your lips on the other person; in reality it’s a cheek-to-cheek affair.
You must do this to every person in the room! Nightmare when you want to slip out of a party unnoticed. But you’ve got to do it, otherwise you’ll get a reputation for that person who makes Irish exits, which, in French, is of course called “filer à l’anglaise” (to split, English-style). Different countries love to accuse each other of this; a dated translation of this term in English is in fact to “take French leave”. When will the bickering stop?!
4) Don’t assume that no means no
No doesn’t mean no. Impossible doesn’t mean impossible. It means I’m bored/convince me/try harder/I don’t like you so I’m not going to make this easy for you. You’ve got to battle it out.
I found myself with a flat tyre near Bordeaux train station recently, and the available bike pump was missing the nozzle. I went into TBM office (Bordeaux public transport system) to ask if they had a nozzle or another pump; “Non, desolé.” I stood there for a while and made conversation about how I didn’t know what to do because I was far from home on foot, with a heavy bag. They explained that they’ve stopped leaving the nozzle on the public pump because people steal them. So it’s completely useless now! Eventually, since I showed no signs of leaving, they recommended I go to the Renault garage opposite the station and ask them to pump up my tyre with the CAR TYRE PUMP. “Quoi?!”, I thought. Are they having me on? I sheepishly did as they suggested and within 5 seconds had some seriously pumped tyres!
5) Don’t eat on the go
Food/dining is a whole category. Mealtimes are taken seriously. When you eat, you talk about other food you like.
6) Don’t mock yourself
Self-deprecation isn’t a thing. If you say you’re not that good at something people will believe you, and will think you’re incompetent and a moron for pointing it out.
7) Always bring something to a dinner
This could be a bottle of wine, or a pudding or some cheese. Something to nibble at as a bare minimum. Equally, if someone brings food or wine to yours when you invite them over, make sure you eat or drink it with them during the evening.
Learn more the importance of L’apéro en France on one of my favourite resources for French learners: Karambolage.
8) “Râler” is a public sport and a bonding experience; lean into it
“Râler” means “to grumble” or “to complain”. If you’re in Paris, bitch about the tourists. If you’re outside of Paris, bitch about the Parisians. Done.
9) Never mock the French language
Just don’t. They love their language.
Try this: say to a French person “French is a complicated/difficult language!” (“le français est une langue compliquée/difficile!”). They will reply the following: “But it’s a very beautiful language” (Mais c’est une langue très belle!”). EVERY TIME.
10) Accept the shitty things they say about Brits/English food/our culture/language
It’s a losing battle. Just. Don’t. Bother.
11) Don’t “banter” with the French
You’ll have more conversations about politics/history/food/people’s personal lives than anything that even resembles taking the piss of anything. Honestly, banter does not translate well into French; you’ll just look stupid.
12) Always say “bonne journée!” or “bonne soirée!” upon leaving
“Bonne journée” means “have a good day”, and unsurprisingly, “bonne soirée” means “have a good evening”. It is far more common to hear these two than “au revoir”, which can come across as a bit formal. If you throw this in every time you leave a shop, restaurant, bar or any other public establishment, you will quickly see the French warm up.
13) Don’t try to make the French speak English
When I was living in Bordeaux, I was part of a number of Facebook groups for expats.
This post was by far my favourite amongst the traffic on these groups, where a poor group member was struggling to communicate with estate agencies in her quest for housing in Bordeaux (which is a nightmare even if you do speak French).
Hanging up on English-speaking callers is quite possibly the Frenchest thing I’ve ever heard. So funny. This isn’t the product of an anti-anglo sentiment (in most cases… there are always exceptions, of course); rather, the French are generally not confident English speakers.
A 2019 study showed that the French came 19th for their knowledge of English out of all other non-native European countries, with only 55% of the population reporting being able to speak English. As such, pushing them to speak English will be very upsetting indeed; don’t do it unless they initiate. If you’re desperate (like in the housing situation above), enlist the help of a French speaker. There are no two ways about it.
14) Tell people exactly what you want them to do
I’ve been bashing my head against a wall regarding French bureaucracy since I arrived in France, and had the ultimate realisation of how to get what you want from a French person in a haggling situation in a second hand shop recently. The conversation went like this:
“Would you take X for this?”
“I don’t have the authority to decide that.”
[Pauses and looks at us].
“Who has the authority?”
“My boss.”
[Pauses and looks at us].
“Where is your boss?”
“In the other building.”
[Pauses and looks at us].
“Can we ask him?”
“Yes, I can call him.”
“Ok, thanks.”
[Calls, chats, hangs up]
“He says that’s fine.”
Note that she would’ve stopped this conversation after telling us that she didn’t have the authority to decide pricing. You’ve got to KEEP GOING, whether in person or on the phone; a French person’s objective is to make you NOT THEIR PROBLEM, so they will not make any attempt to help you further unless you ask explicitly.
This amazing animation says it all; I can’t watch him without cracking up because of how true it is:
Final thoughts
My parents moved to France just over two years ago; all of the French speakers in my family have, at some point or another, committed at least one of these errors and have borne the brunt, making us feel like just another “rosbif” butchering the French language and bulldozing through their strict social rules. Get these right, and you’ll be “the exception to the rule” that English people just move to France and live Englishly.
Have you had any experience of these? Is there anything key I’ve missed? Comment below!
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