Tired of strangers asking you whether you speak your partner’s language? Or your parents-in-law asking you whether you’ve learnt anything yet?

Multilingual couples I’ve met generally fall into two categories:

I am of the former school of thought, but I totally understand why people might set up camp in the second. In the humdrum of day-to-day life, after a busy day of work, we would all prioritise communicating what we want to eat for our evening meal in whatever way possible over painstakingly stringing together a sentence in a foreign language – whilst trying to fight back that hanger.

However, most people learning a foreign language would kill for a partner who was a native speaker of their target language. If you happen to find yourself with such luck, or you’ve ended up with someone who speaks a language you’d never have thought to learn in the past, but would like to connect more with your partner and/or their family, there are many solutions to your learning woes.

There are a number of reasons why you may be struggling, and it’s likely that there’s more than one at play. Below find 8 barriers and the solution to each issue:

Reason 1: you haven’t established your “why”

Perhaps you feel you “ought” to learn your partner’s language because other people regularly ask you if you speak it, or because of feelings of guilt that your partner speaks your language fluently and has developed rich relationships with your loved ones as a result. These aren’t “whys,” they’re negative thoughts holding you back!

Solution: find your why

“Because it’s my partner’s native language” just isn’t enough of a why to keep you motivated with your learning. Your why should be deeply personal to you, and having more than one is always a good thing. This can look like:

• To access a part of my partner’s life that has previously felt elusive
• To open up job/moving opportunities that may appeal to me and/or my partner
• To be able to integrate in my community (if you’re the foreigner where you both live)

Reason 2: you’ve never learnt a foreign language before or are finding it much more difficult than another language you’ve learnt

As we move through life, we become less and less used to being beginners. Children are used to trying new things as it’s something they can’t avoid. Think about the last time you tried some new and stuck at it. If it was a long time ago, then there are going to be some unfamiliar feelings that come up.

There are two stages to learning something new:

1. Stepping out of your comfort zone and doing that new thing, whether attending a one-off pottery class or trying a surf session whilst on holiday.
2. Building a habit around that activity.

Most of us can do the first one, but falter on the second, and this is especially true if you’ve never learnt a foreign language before or, for example, are learning a language from a completely different language family.

Solution 1: change your mindset

The term “learn a foreign language” implies a simple start and a finish. The bit in between is huge, and varies in length depending on a number of factors. Check out my How to start learning any language: treat it like a crime you’re trying to solve post for a comprehensive outlook on the language learning process, and browse the mindset section of my blog for tips for specific mental blocks.

Solution 2: start with cross talk

The key to starting to use your target language effectively with your partner is to start small. And this is where cross talk comes in.

This is a legitimate learning technique that takes the pressure off. This is also a surprisingly common way that multilingual couples communicate. I’ve done this a lot in the past whenever my partner and I were both too tired to speak each other’s language. It’s a low stress jumping off point.

Reason 3: you’re not in love with the language

Not feeling enamoured of your partner’s language may be the case particularly if you only considered learning your target language when you met your partner. Maybe there’s stuff you just don’t get, whether it’s the humour of the culture, a traditional music genre that moves your partner to tears but leaves you baffled, or perhaps your partner’s home town just doesn’t do anything for you.

Solution: find an in to the language

It’s time to go full detective at this point. You don’t have to like the stuff your partner does, but you can carve out your own interests in their culture. Research any of these (or anything else you can think of) in relation to the language and/or culture:

1. Popular music genres
2. Film and TV
3. Food
4. Fashion
5. Literature
6. History (and/or Herstory!)
7. Art
8. Traditions and festivals
9. Travel opportunities
10. Humour

Reason 4: you are feeling more external pressure than intrinsic motivation

Do you find your in-laws tauntingly asking “have you learnt X yet?” every time you go and see them? Perhaps you’ve spent time with your partner’s friends, only for them to converse in their target language, with no regard for the fact that you don’t understand them?

Solution: share your research findings with your interrogators

As you uncover more parts of the culture and/or language that you like (see solution for reason 3), share these with your in-laws or your partner’s friends – whoever keeps asking you that infuriating and vague question..!

Talking about cultural and linguistic aspects in your own language still shows effort and commitment, and it’ll enrich your relationships with those people, as well as providing a window to learn more from them about the culture.

Reason 5: your partner isn’t invested in you learning their language

If your partner is living in your home country, and has spoken your language fluently since they can remember, they may have forgotten just how hard it was for them to learn your language, or may not have had to put in that much effort due to learning it from such a young age.

Solution 1: carve out lone learning time

Solution 2: do things that will make your partner laugh

Solution 3: introduce incidental chatting in the TL when you’re both relaxed

Talking in your target language with your partner doesn’t have to be a formal lesson. Try having little chats when you’re both in a relaxed state, perhaps post-dinner, mid-glass of wine, or on a date night. Any scenario where the stress levels are low.

Reason 6: you feel your partner’s disappointment with your lack of progress

This is the opposite problem to reason 5; you’re constantly contending with guilt every time you catch a glimpse of that language textbook on your bookshelf. What feels like a complex issue relating to why you haven’t yet learnt your partner’s language may be interpreted as indifference by your partner.

Solution: carve out learning time with your partner

This can take many forms and does not have to be an hour of your partner explaining the past subjunctive to you.. (and preferably isn’t). This is something lighthearted and enjoyable that I’ve tried and tested: ask your partner to choose a song they really like, and allocate some time to review it. Listen to the song together and/or apart, then go through the lyrics together. Your partner can explain any parts you don’t understand, and give you background on the singer.

If you repeat this many times, and build a playlist with the songs, soon you’ll have some music to listen to and bond over.

Reason 7: learning the language is connected to challenges in your life

This is a really hard one. Perhaps you under-estimated how difficult it would be to learn the language, or the realities of life have just put too many obstacles in the way.

Solution: find a community

Emily Harris has some specific solutions relating to learning your heritage language, including finding a community of people also learning their heritage language, and separating language learning from cultural immersion.

If you’re living abroad and your partner’s native language is the language of your chosen home, finding the right community is very important. Try to avoid people who are at the exact same stage as you, as you may end up in a pity party where lamenting your struggles becomes the norm, which builds a negative connection with the language and/or culture. Rather, try to seek out people who are just that little bit ahead, who have managed to get beyond the expat bubble, and ask them how they did it!

Reason 8: you’ve been meaning to get round to it for a really long time

Whether you gave learning the language a shot a few years ago but didn’t get very far, or it’s just been on your bucket list to get beyond the simple stuff for a really long time, the more time passes, the more reaching even conversational level can feel like a pipe dream. It’s not though!

Solution: reset

If what you’ve been doing so far hasn’t worked, then you need a total reset. A real kickstarter that’ll get you motivated and passionate about the learning process can take many forms.

The Lingoda language sprint is a quick, affordable and effective path (check out my Should you try the Lingoda language sprint? Here’s my experience and advice post). If you’ve got a bit more cash to spare, you can try a short-term course abroad; read my 9 tried-and-tested ways to live your best short-term language immersion abroad post for more on this. If you’ve got children, this could look like involving them in the learning process.

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Final thoughts

Just because you haven’t yet made the progress you’d like to, it doesn’t mean you won’t in the future. As someone who repeatedly “failed” to learn French for years, and finally got to C1 last year, I can totally identify with the feeling that you’re “never going to get there…”. If you want to read about my journey to learn French, check out my How I reached C1 French in 3 months after 21 years of struggling post.

If you’ve struggled with your partner’s language in the past, but have since made progress, I’d love to hear what worked for you! If you’re up against obstacles I haven’t listed, get in touch and let’s find a solution 😊

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